At Least My Panties Live in Heaven
When I was a pensive seventeen year old, I stared at the beautiful antique dresser inherited from my grandmother and interpreted the art of it. Through my powers of observation, I saw in the dresser a scene of the afterlife. The top part is carved to represent heaven, and the bottom is hell. Hell is represented by snakes and bats and fire and a great big urn.
Each time I tell the story to someone new, they say, “Oooh, that’s pretty cool,” and I say, “I know, right?” They all stroke my ego and reassure me that I think interesting thoughts, and I walk away feeling good about myself. Until last night.
I showed the dresser to my friend D, and she said, “It’s a beautiful piece of furniture.” Then I proceeded to tell her the story, but instead of praising me for my insights, she said, “Well, when I walked in here, it was a beautiful piece of furniture, but now it’s just depressing.”
What? You mean you’re not going to tell me how awesome and interesting I am? Oh my god, should I file my dresser interpretations under cringe therapy and just get over myself?
Okay, so my dresser tells the story of eternal damnation, and hell takes up a whole lot more real estate than heaven. But at least my panty drawer is in the top part of the dresser, which, to me, means that despite what the Pope says, there is still sex in heaven. Or maybe it means that sex IS heaven. Aw yeah, that’s it.
September 1st, 2008 at 11:00 am
That was a very interesting story. In fact, I’m not sure what is more interesting — the story of your dresser, or the story of you telling the story of your dresser to someone who didn’t appreciate the full interestingness of the story.
Though I have to admit, I think it is very prejudiced of you to assume snakes belong in hell. Perhaps D just caught your prejudice but was too nice to say anything about it?
September 1st, 2008 at 11:11 am
Plus, when I was telling the story, I inadvertently described the snakes as being “slant-eyed,” which is a widely known racial slur against Asian people. So there’s that too.
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Sorry, I was too distracted by the interesting dresser to fully appreciate the interesting story of the interesting dresser. What I find far more interesting, though, is the title of the story of you telling the interesting story of your interesting dresser. Quite possibly one of the best blog entry titles ever.
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Yeah, I was kinda proud of that. Although, I’m disappointing a lot of people searching the web for soft porn.
September 7th, 2008 at 11:20 am
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